


How to train your angel

by zeppx



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Ficlets, Gen, I regret everything, Nothing is Sane, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-13
Updated: 2013-03-13
Packaged: 2017-12-05 04:25:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/718861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeppx/pseuds/zeppx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of short ficlets/drabbles that started from a weird prompt and just grew from there</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know.
> 
> It started from one weird comment, it evolved into something that I can no longer control.
> 
> The comment that inspired this first drabble is this:  
> "I'd read anything, even if it was someone going to the bathroom!"

"Dean…" Cas' voice was quiet and hesitant, which was something Castiel was not.

"What's up Cas?"

"I…um…" Dean looked over to Cas who was shifting from foot to foot, he looked like a four year old doing the 'potty dance'.

"Oh my  _God_ , seriously?" Cas nodded, a faint blush creeping up his cheeks. Dean looked over to Sam who was watching everything with a bemused expression on his face.

"He's your angel dude."

"Please Dean, I  _really_ need to go and I don't understand…"

" _Fine_. But not a  _word_  from either of you!" Dean stormed into the bathroom, dragging a blushing angel behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

Sam and Dean watched as Cas' head dipped, snapped up, dipped again.

"Cas, maybe you should take a nap or something." Dean finally said, when the angels head had thunked back against the window before snapping forward again.

Cas glared over at Dean, crossed his arms over his chest, "Angel's don't sleep."

"Well apparently you need to." Dean approached Cas and tugged on the sleeve of the trench coat, trying to get Cas upright and over to one of the beds. Sam watched with an amused smile on his face as Cas tugged his arm back, glaring at Dean all the while.

Sam watched, eyes ticking to Dean, to Cas and then back to Dean while Dean tugged on Cas' arm, trying to get him to a bed.

"I don't need to sleep Dean." Cas snapped, tugging his arm back so forcefully he nearly hauled Dean onto his lap.

"Then what's with the bobble head action? Get on the bed and take a damn nap Cas!" Cas' brows drew together in the universal sign that said 'I don't understand that reference.'

The arms re-crossed, lips pursed, "I don't  _want to_  Dean."

"What are you? Four?"

" _Dean_." Blue and green eyes locked in a glare, Cas all but pouting like a sleepy toddler.

Finally Dean sighed, "If you sleep for thirty minutes I'll get you a bottle of tequila."

Five minutes after that Cas was snoring on the bed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, this was written on my iPhone in the middle of Arby's while I completely and totally enjoyed my curly fries while teasing the people who follow me on Twitter about it.
> 
> Since I'm a nice person and all.

"Come on Cas, just say it once and you can have one." Dean waved the perfectly seasoned and spiraled curly fry under Cas' nose. Cas scowled at Dean, eyes never leaving the temptation of curly fried goodness.

"I don't  _want_  to say it Dean."

"You mean you can't."

"I mean  _won't_." Dean snorted, popped the curly fry into his mouth and grinned at Cas' glare.

An hour later when Sam returned from the library it was to finding Cas sitting on Dean's chest, happily eating curly fries.

"Uh…"

Cas looked over at Sam and said around his mouthful, "Dean is my bitch."

Dean threw his arms up in triumph, "I totally got him to cuss!"

Sam decided not to ask.


	4. Chapter 4

It was a beautiful day as far as Dean was concerned, the skies were clear, the road was empty and the Impala was purring happily. Sam was silent beside him, attention completely focused on the book he was reading. Cas was in the backseat, attention on the new phone Sam had talked him into getting, he was frowning at it occasionally, fingers trailing over the touchscreen.

Sam had been more than happy to get Cas a new phone when he'd come to them explaining his old one had broken. He'd said something about an unhappy camel, but Dean had been a little drunk at the time and he hoped he'd been hearing things.

"You doing okay back there Cas?"

The angel nodded, attention still on the phone. Sam glanced back at him, grinned and returned his attention to the book in his lap, "I think he's playing one of the games I got for him."

"You got him games?"

"He must get bored some of the time." Dean rolled his eyes, then gaped at the rearview mirror when, " _Braaains_ ," came from the phone's speakers. Cas snickered.

" _Brains_!" Another snicker.

"You enjoying yourself back there Cas?" Dean asked, dividing his attention between the road and the backseat.

There were more zombie sounds, another snicker then, "I hope people realize the way to kill zombies is not by planting plants."

Dean turned his attention to Sam, "You got him  _Plants Vs. Zombies_ …really?"

"It was that or more tequila to keep him entertained while we slept."

" _Braaaaains_!" Another quiet laugh.

"Brains aren't the only thing zombies are interested in. They will eat anything they can get their mouths on."

"You the zombie whisperer now Cas?" Cas chose to ignore him and went back to snickering at the game some more.

An hour later both Dean and Sam jumped in their seats when Cas shouted from the back, "Ha! You silly zombies won't be eating my brains!" Sam buried his face into his book and Dean had to pull over.


	5. Chapter 5

There was a quiet grumble from the backseat, followed by a sigh that had Dean glancing into the rearview mirror and asking, "Everything okay Cas?"

Cas simply 'hmmphed' and went back to glaring at his new phone. Dean turned his attention to Sam and asked, "So what game is he playing then now genius?" It had been Sam's idea after all to get the angel the new phone and load it with games for him.

Sam shrugged though, glanced back at Cas then returned his attention to his book, "No idea."

Things were silent for another ten miles before Cas shouted, "You will not keep my eggs from me you evil pigs!"

Dean slowly turned his attention to the rearview mirror; Cas was staring at his phone with a look that was half triumph and half frustration. Dean feared for the phone's safety at that point.

"Angry Birds it is then." Sam mumbled from the passenger seat, looking like he was fighting a smile.

"Zombies lost their shine then Cas?" Cas grunted, glared at Dean for a brief moment before the urge to smite the pigs with projectile birds pulled him back to his phone.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had a 3lbs bag of gummy bears staring me while I was drinking one night.
> 
> This was the result.

Sam walked into the hotel room and was greeted with the weirdest thing he'd ever seen. Probably.

"C'mon Cas. Open up, you'll like these." The angel shook his head from where he was sitting on the bed, Dean standing in front of him holding a little black packet in his hands.

No, this was probably the weirdest thing Sam had ever walked in on.

"I'm not interrupting anything am I?" Sam asked, cautiously closing the door behind him, prepared to bolt out at the first sign of…anything weird. Weirder.

"Mind out of the gutter Sammy, just giving Cas the tour of candyland."

"Uh-huh." Sam set his bag down and moved further into the room while Dean continued trying to coax Cas' mouth open for whatever candy he was trying to feed him.

Cas shook his head and Dean shook the bag of what Sam now recognized as Poprocks, "C'mon Cas. They're watermelon flavored. You like watermelon don't you?"

Cas hesitated and eyed Dean distrustfully.

"You try these I'll let you go back to massacring your gummy bears."

Cas sighed, then opened his mouth like it was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. Dean grinned and poured the Poprocks into the angel's mouth, Cas closed his mouth and promptly stared up at Dean wide eyed. Sam snickered at the look, he could tell Cas didn't like them, but Dean thought the wide-eyed look was one of wonderment at the sensation of the pop rocks crackling in his mouth.

"Dean I don't think-" Sam was cut off when Cas promptly spit out the Poprocks, most of which ended up in Dean's hair, still crackling slightly. Dean gaped, glared and tried to get the little red rocks out of his hair, but they were sticky and firmly in place.

"Damnit Cas!"

Cas held out his hands, "I'd like my gummy bears back now please."

Dean sighed, gave up on his hair for now and nodded his head over at Sam, "Sammy's closer, ask him." Cas turned his wide blue eyes on Sam and held out a hand for the bag that Sam could see sitting on the small table. He grabbed the bag and moved to hand it over to Cas, but he'd managed to grab it by the closed end, leaving the opening at the top pointing down and allowing the gummy bears to pour out of the bag and to the dirty hotel carpet.

Cas, however, had a different idea in his head. With something close to a battle cry erupting from his mouth, he dove over the bed, hands outstretched to catch the cascading gummy bears.

Ten seconds later Cas was on his stomach on the ground, feet still up on the bed, arms outstretched and hands full of the gummy bears he'd saved. Sam raised his eyebrows at him; Dean shook his head and went back to trying to get the sprayed Poprocks out of his hair. Cas let out a sigh that was very close to a 'thank God I've saved you' sigh and slowly got to his feet, throwing Sam a dirty look in the process.

Sam huffed and sat down at the table across from Cas, having it in his mind to pull out the laptop and do some research. Cas distracted him though.

The angel went about the process of slowly but surely massacring his gummy bears.

The body of a green one was eaten, the head of a red one followed. The green head was placed on the red body and the remade gummy bear was placed back on the table. An orange body with a clear head soon joined it. Which was then joined by one with a yellow body with a green head…and so on.

Five minutes later Cas had an army of mismatched gummy bears in front of him, all of which were facing Sam.

It was a little creepy.

Dean emerged from his shower, stopped by the table, snorted and said, "Well, we know not to get between an angel and his gummy bears now." He clapped Cas on the shoulder and threw himself onto his bed the TV turning on a few moments later.

Cas eyed his little army, eyed Sam and smirked.

Sam really hated it when Cas got that look. The last time it had happened Cas had zapped Sam from his shower and into the middle of fucking  _nowhere_. With  _nothing_. All because he'd said something about a book of some kind.

Cas very calmly placed his hands on the table, and focused his gaze on his gummy bear army. Sam had a Very Bad Feeling.

Then the gummy bears moved.

Sam leapt out of his chair, "Holy shit!"

Cas snickered and the bears moved again. Shuffling and waddling across the table and towards Sam. He knew Cas was not to be trusted. Ever.

Sam stepped back from the table, hands held up, "Cas, quit it! I'm sorry for dropping them alright?"

Cas snickered again, grabbed a gummy bear and popped it, while it was  _still wiggling_ , into his mouth. He chewed thoughtfully, nodded and the gummy bears stopped their awkward marching across the table.

Damn gummy bears and their stupid commanding angels. Cas grinned at him, gathered up his gummy bears and went and plopped on the bed next to Dean as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened. Dean smirked at Sam; snagged a gummy bear from Cas and the two went about watching the TV.

Fuck…Sam was going to have  _nightmares_   _for weeks_.


	7. Chapter 7

Cas scowled down at the phone in his hands, then glared up at Dean.

Dean grinned and shrugged, "It's not that hard Cas."

"My fingers are too large, and the blasted thing keeps trying to change my words! I know what I'm trying to say Dean!"

Dean bit back a grin, "Well, look at it this way, you don't figure it out…I'ma eat all your jellybeans."

"You wouldn't," Cas glared up at Dean, phone forgotten in his hands. Dean grinned and popped a red jellybean into his mouth, he knew the red ones were Cas' favorite and would get a bigger reaction out of the angel.

Cas huffed out a frustrated sigh and went back to his phone, trying to send a text off to Sam. Dean had figured it was about time for Cas to learn how to text instead of calling them all the time.

Dean watched, amused, as Cas let out another frustrated huff and hit his backspace button with a little more force than necessary.

"Cas," Dean waited until Cas' attention was on him again to pop another red jellybean into his mouth. Cas glared at Dean, then at the phone and returned to trying to text Sam.

Ten seconds later, after Dean had popped several more jellybeans into his mouth, Cas growled and threw the phone across the room, shouting, "That is not what I wanted to say you insufferable spawn of Satan!"

Dean snorted, watched in his amusement as Cas vanished from where he'd been standing, only to reappear thirty seconds later announcing, "Sam has been alerted to pick up your pie."

"That's cheating. No jellybeans for you."

Cas scowled, disappeared once more and reappeared directly in front of Dean, snatching the bag of jellybeans from Dean's hands and growled, "Mine! Bitch."

Dean was too busy laughing to care that he'd once again been called Castiel's bitch.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This happened after I'd had several cups of coffee after not having had coffee for several months

Dean had just stepped through the hotel door when he was immediately knocked back on his ass. He had a brief moment of panic, and a moment to wonder where the nearest weapon was, then Sam's laughter registered in his brain.

"What the hell?"

The voice that replied was muffled against his neck, but Dean knew who it was immediately, "Hello Dean."

"Cas, what the actual fuck?"

Cas actually  _giggled,_  rolled away from Dean and bound away. Dean sat upright, heard Sam yelp and a thud that could have been a tree being felled, but was really Sam hitting the floor.

They'd both officially now been glomped by an angel.

"That's the  _last time_  you give him coffee." Sam grumbled, glaring up at Dean when Dean flipped the lights on. Dean simply grinned and shrugged.

It was totally worth it to hear Cas giggling.


	9. Chapter 9

Dean sighed as another moan came from the computer in the backseat. Sam's gaze was fixed forward, trying his hardest not to pay attention to what Castiel was doing in the back there.

"Cas, there are times when you don't watch porn. This is one of them." This was not the first time Dean had growled this, Cas however, was set on ignoring him.

Dean glanced in the rearview mirror; saw Cas' head tilt to the side as another moan came from the laptops speakers, "Cas! Turn it off!"

"I'm just trying to understand."

"Understand  _what_? It's porn! There's nothing to understand!"

"Why would you-"

Sam suddenly sat forward and interrupted whatever it was Cas was going to say, "Hey! Why don't we get something to eat?"

Dean shot his brother a look then glared at Castiel in the rearview mirror, "You can't bring that into a restaurant Cas, turn it off."

"Then I will stay in the car."

"I'm not leaving you in the car to watch  _porn,_  Cas!"

"Why?"

Once again Sam interrupted before Dean could start yelling, "How about a Happy Meal, Cas? You'll probably enjoy one of those."

Dean shot Sam a look, probably wondering what the hell an  _angel_  would want a  _Happy Meal_  for.

Cas' attention turned from the porn though and to Sam, "Why would a meal be happy?"

"It's not. But it's just something they give kids. Makes them… happy? I guess?"

"Very well, I will try one."

"Nuh-uh. You're not getting anywhere near a Happy Meal until that porn is turned off." Cas scowled at Dean but shut the laptop and settled back in his seat. Dean would have to have a discussion with the angel later to try and understand this sudden interest in Dean's porn stash.

Fifteen minutes later Dean had found them a McDonald's and while he wandered off to order their food Sam and Cas seated themselves at one of the tables near the back while they waited.

When Dean placed the box containing the Happy Meal in front of Cas the angel simply stared at it, frowned and muttered, "I don't understand why this is considered happy."

"The food itself isn't happy, Cas, it's just regular food." Cas turned his frown to Sam, then back to the Happy Meal.

"Just open the box and eat the damn food, Cas."

Cas huffed out a sigh and did as he was told. He paused though, when he came to the toy. He pulled it from the box, studied it from all angles and asked, "What is this?"

"A toy."

"Why did you not receive toys?"

"Because we didn't get the happy meals." Dean eyed the toy in Cas' hands and snorted, it was a small, plastic Spiderman with suction cups as hands so he could attach to something.

"I see. Is the toy what makes the meal happy?"

Dean rolled his eyes, "Cas for the last time-"

"Yeah, Cas. The toy is what makes the meal happy."

Cas nodded, ripped open the plastic the toy was in, studied it, nodded again then grinned over at the two Winchesters, "I find this enjoyable."

Sam snorted into his Coke and Dean rolled his eyes, "Long as you stay away from the porn I don't care where you get your jollies."

Later, Spiderman made his home on the back of the laptop screen while Cas continued his way through Dean's collection of porn.

Dean hated everything.


End file.
